đ€Ż INCRĂVEL: âWorks Surprisingly Wellâ: 45 Psychological âCheat Codesâ People Use In Social Situations And Swear They Work đČ
Whenever Iâm stuck behind a slow driver who turns corners like a sloth, I have trained my brain to go to a rational belief: they must be driving around with an open fish bowl and a bunch of fish. Maybe theyâre delivering fish to someone, or returning them to a store. Puts me in calmer frame of mind. Iâm now thinking: hurry up! But not too fast. You donât want to spill the fish!
Meet conflict with curiosity. You can avoid a lot of arguments by asking what someone meant and genuinely listening to understand.
Nearby-Reindeer-6088:
When I was a kid I automatically thought every argument was an inability to understand each other or reach an agreeable resolution. It totally blew my mind when I realized as a teenager that some people argue to win, no matter how illogical or far outside their interest their position turns out to be.
When I notice that someone who I havenât seen in a while seems to have forgotten my name, I throw in a quick story where someone else says my name. The more self-deprecating the story, the better. âMy wife was just telling me the other day, âDave, you donât get out and see your old colleagues anymoreâ.â Itâs an old trick I learned from the most socially astute person I know: Mom.
Being pleasant is one of the biggest cheat codes in the universe.
Say nice things about people behind their backs – the entire group will trust you more.
Smile and be reasonable when an inconvenience happens. The person helping will feel more motivated to try to help you if you are understanding and acknowledge that they are trying to help. Even if you are angry and let anger slip, make sure to tell any person who didn’t cause it that you aren’t angry at them – most customer service people have been [harrassed] by customers often enough that they are way more helpful for a pleasant person.
If an issue does not actually matter much to you, letting someone else have it their way makes them more kindly disposed towards you.
You don’t have to be a pushover, but being pleasant and polite most of the time also makes it so that if someone pushes you too hard, they instantly look like the bad guy.
Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I ask them if they’re venting (want me to just listen); asking for advice; or asking me to fix something.
It prevents me from giving unwanted advice and also allows me to listen with a purpose in mind. It also helps the person realize what it is they need.
I just tell people I have no idea what I’m doing. It throws them off. That’s how I got my mortgage lol. I was 23, called up a random mortgage company, apologized profusely and asked if they could explain what to do and what I needed to know. Dude spent probably 2 hours on the phone explaining everything to me and even recommended a different company after hearing what we needed.
Just the other day, my stupid key fob battery [drained] and I replaced it, it still didn’t work but the key turned on the car so I thought maybe it needed to be reprogrammed or reconnected or something so I went into the dealership and just handed them my key and word vomited “I don’t know what to do I don’t know what’s wrong I replaced the battery and it still doesn’t work but I drove here and idk what the fix it but I figured you guys could help” all in about 1.5 breaths. The guy was dumbfounded, took my key to the parts area where the dude there had heard everything too and they both just quietly replaced the battery and sent me on my way.
Didn’t even pay and I’m way out of warranty.
Do not smile when someone tries to manipulate you by being “funny”.
iDontLikeChimneys:
This is a good one. I work in comedy and there is a difference between giving a pity laugh, a real laugh (because you thought it was funny), and just full-stop silence.
Letting them soak in the silence is a lot more poignant than arguing with why you think they made a bad joke.
For instance, I have family members who think racism is funny. Not the tongue in cheek racism, the “i actually believe this” racism. I just sip my drink like Kermit and let them sit in it.
I use this at my tech job and not socially, but itâs my best trick: when Iâm in a long, jargony meeting with people who are not clear communicators, I say âlet me make sure I understandâ and then repeat key points back in simpler language. If Iâm having trouble following, other people are too, and they may not be brave enough to say so. If I get it, theyâll say so, and they ensures everyone gets it. If I donât get it, theyâll try again, and then Iâll try again. No more meetings where everyone leaves with a different conclusion of what we discussed, or what we have to do next.
Prefacing my own thoughts with “my dad always said” to avoid the male impulse to immediately disagree with even the most benign statement.
BungleBungleBungle:
I was the “well, actually” guy for so long until I realised I sounded like an obnoxious p***k. I wasn’t trying to be an obnoxious p***k, I just knew they were wrong. Since then, I’ve either just said nothing, or started by saying “I thought that too, but i just found out recently etc etc”.
I trained my buddy to not curse so much around me. He didn’t even realize I did it. it took a few days of doing this, but when we’d sit down and eat lunch, I’d listen and look at him and engage when he was talking, but when he cursed, I’d look away, or look down at my food, or “miss” something he just said. It was only around me that his behavior changed, and he didn’t notice til a mutual friend noticed and said something.
Telling people they are smart in subtle ways wins you allies. You canât be overwhelming with it. But if someone does something that works or makes a good call or predicts something, complement them on it. âThat was a good ideaâ or âthat worked really wellâ or âgood ideaâ or âI liked how you (insert thing)â
At the end of the day, people just want to feel validated and valued and appreciated. Complementing their intelligence covers all those.
And again, donât gush. Be subtle with it.
Social situations got a lot easier when I stopped thinking in black and white, introduced nuance to situations, ask for clarity in situations where Iâm uncertain, and quit assuming malicious intent because intent *does* matter.
It’s not really a “cheat code,” but⊠Build up people who are part of the same social circle but aren’t currently present. For example, if you’re out at dinner with your normal circle of friends and one of them isn’t there, talk them up and share something positive about them to the rest of the group. Without consciously thinking about it, we start to become aware of the kind of things people in our social circles say about us when we’re not present. Sort of like the “if he cheats on his girlfriend to be with you, he’s going to cheat on you at some point too,” there’s a real character-revealing element when someone is bad-mouthing someone who isn’t there, where we recognize that we might be spoken negatively about by the same friend when we’re not there.
If you tell your group, “man, I can’t believe how good John is getting at guitar” when John isn’t there, you’re planting seeds of trust in the others in your circle that if they’re ever the ones that are missing from the social situation, you’re more likely to be building them up than tearing them down. If you tell them, “I can’t believe John still has that stupid mustache” and try to get a laugh out of them (assuming you wouldn’t say that to John if he were there), you might get some laughs, but you’ll also be planting seeds of distrust instead.
More broadly, apply the same technique even if the person is present. If you’re hanging out with two people you know who don’t know each other well and the subject is about desserts, tell Jenny, “Sarah here is an incredible baker. She made the best chocolate chip cookies for our Christmas party.”
None of this has to be obvious or overt. Don’t force these sort of things. But if you can associate in people’s heads a sense of “this person builds people up” instead of “this person tears people down,” especially (but not exclusively) when the person they’re building/tearing isn’t there, you’re going to build a sense of trust in others.
Here a few I use to gain buy-in really quickly:
– Match the energy. If the person you’re speaking with is soft-spoken, try to lower your volume. If they are casual, don’t be to stiff đ
– Genuine compliment. Everyone loves a genuine compliment. It really does go a long way to breaking the ice. Just don’t make it weird lol đ
– Body language. Open and receptive body language, such as unfolded arms, slightly tilted head and eye contact.
– Pareto Principle. Talk 20%, listen 80%. Almost guaranteed way to leave the impression that the conversation went well. Ask questions about them. Try to find them interesting and be curious. Again, just don’t be weird about this one lol đ It’s not an interigation đ§.
Remembering peopleâs names and using it when greeting them as well as saying goodbye. âHi Jim, how was your weekend?â âOk Jim, have a great weekend!â
Everyoneâs favorite word is their own name.
The Ben Franklin effect. Ask someone for a small, insignificant favor. ‘Hey, could you grab me a napkin?’ or ‘Can you watch my stuff for a sec?’
Their brain subconsciously justifies helping you by thinking, ‘Well, I must like this person.’ It’s a weird cognitive dissonance trick that builds rapport out of thin air. Works surprisingly well.
My wife things I’m insane but I do this thing where I structure things in my head as things I have to do instead of things I need to do. Like – if the dishes need to be done then I have to do the dishes before I cook dinner or before I go to bed or something. And then, because it’s a rule, I follow it. Because it’s a rule and I have to follow rules.
But my wife is just like, “But it’s not a rule – nobody is making you do the dishes in that situation. You can just choose not to do them.”
“No I can’t – they have to be done. It’s a rule.”
“That doesn’t make any sense – I can say it’s a rule that I have to fold laundry tonight but that doesn’t create an obligation of any kind.”
“OK – but you need to understand that if I acknowledge choice as a factor then I’m always going to make the wrong choice. I *have* to remove the ability for me to choose – otherwise our entire household is going to fall apart.”
“That doesn’t make any sense? How can you choose to remove choice as a factor?”.
Smiling and waving and acting genuinely happy to see people you know, even acquaintances. Sure you get blanked once in a while, but trying this out for a month, genuinely changed how I interact with people – and how they interact with me. Iâm super shy, socially anxious, and Iâd awkwardly avoid people. Until I did a mental inventory – who are MY favourite people to run into? And it was always the ones who seemed genuinely happy to see me. So, even if I donât remember name, I now be the first to make eye contact and wave and smile big and say – oh itâs so nice to see you again! And instead of feeling lonely and shy and awkward, suddenly- people are happy to see me too. And now that Iâve been doing this – people do it back to me! They see me and smile and wave, andâŠwait..now Iâm part of a community?!
Oh, and because Iâm terrible at small talk with most people and if I overstay the conversation I WILL make things weird – Iâve learned how to do the greet and run – âHey!! Ohmygod itâs SO nice to see you! Sorry I canât chat Iâm on a mission to⊠hope to see you soon!â
Sometimes (and more often these days) if I have the bandwidth, Iâm able to actually catch up with them and chat a bit, but I donât feel bad if I canât. Other people mostly hate small talk too, lol.
I struggle with socializing and Iâve found that people really enjoy talking about themselves. In fact I donât really have to do a lot of work, I can go up to anyone and compliment them on something or ask them about their opinion on something and Iâll find out their life story within a few minutes. (It also helps to have a friendly facial expression and genuinely look interested even youâre not). Eventually the other person will stumble on a subject I can relate with or have interest in.
In psychology we learned that people are very âme me meâ focused which makes sense that asking someone about something pertaining to them would get them to open up about themselves.
Also remembering peopleâs names really makes them happy.
My husband is a trained counsellor and he taught me “active listening” , sounds simple but was really tricky.
If the person you’re speaking to is talking and stops but hasn’t asked a question leave a space for silence. More often than not they will elaborate or divulge something difficult that they’re trying to work through.
Obviously this is aimed at getting people to open up about what’s going on in their life, but its also a really good tool for getting to know someone.
Also sitting side by side with someone is the best way for conversation to flow.
I had a session with a therapist where I told them how anxious I get when I notice a coworker is acting more distant towards me out of nowhere. She delivered a pretty hard-hitting response and told me “it’s not always about you” and that’s really stuck with me.
Instead of allowing myself to spiral endlessly in the “did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are they mad at me?” rumination, I instead recognize my thought and reframe. I let myself think, “perhaps something is going on in their personal life, and if there’s something involving me, I have enough trust in this person to learn about it eventually.”
And this does two things: it relieves my anxiety and emotional hypervigilance, and it reinforces a practice of trust in the relationships I’ve made with my coworkers.
When I am working on a customers equipment and they come to talk to me, I put down my tools and give them my full undivided attention. Works on 2 levels, they respect that I am listening to them, and if they talk to me a lot they eventually realize they are paying me over $300/hour to chat and will usually let me get back to work. I know coworkers that have billed customers 2+hours just to talk after finishing their work.
Most angry people are happy to back down if their energy is not matched. If you stay calm, they will calm down eventually. And if they donât, you can just walk away because they are [jerks].
When I find myself in a situation I donât know how to handle, I think of who I know that could handle that situation, and then I just pretend to be that person. It works remarkably well.
For overcoming fear of public speaking–
When giving a presentation to a group of people, focus on the material from the perspective of what the audience wants to learn.
The more the approach has an attitude of *I’m just here to deliver information. What’s the best way to present it?* the more it takes the focus off myself and onto our shared interest in the topic.
Start with what makes the topic useful or surprising. Think through the visuals. How much information does this audience start with? What terms need definitions? Can this include a demonstration? How much detail can this cover in the time available?
Then instead of feeling self-conscious in front of the audience, the talk becomes *Here’s this fun topic, let’s spend the next half hour enjoying it.*.
Iâve been accused of gaslighting myself for happiness.
Basically I reframe negative situations until I find something positive or at least neutral to take away from it.
A lot of the time, I just need to take whatever is currently bothering me and fast forward until it no longer matters. Other times I look for silver linings. If I get in a real slump I look for a simple dumb win (found a good parking space, caught a light green, meeting wrapped early).
The best way to manage children is to *manage* children.
Most kids who are “acting out” are bored, have more energy/volume than is appropriate for the space, are very curious and explore with their hands, are tired/hungry/achey, or a combo of these. Giving kids an outlet for that restless energy is like rerouting lightning with a metal rod, give it a place to go and the lightning disperses. I work in retail and kids under 6 love to “be my helper”. I have them put items in my basket, put a label on a box, take an item from one counter to another, etc. I also keep a few word searches handy for kids 5+ when the parents have to be seated for a while for paperwork. For those under 5, I draw a farm/fence on paper and ask the kid to draw animals or flowers for the garden.
If you don’t have any physical things to use, ask questions or make observations. “I like your shirt, yours is red and mine is orange.” “If you were a dragon, what kind would you be?” “What’s the number that comes after 7, I can never remember!” (Kids love knowing something you “don’t”.) Keeping a kid engaged is how you keep them from running off or doing something dangerous. Kids will also understand if you tell them something is dangerous – “We don’t put our hands on the knife because it’s sharp and will hurt you” works better than “Keep your hands to yourself!”
Basically, treat kids like tiny, curious adults and you’ll have a good time. But if they’re very hungry/tired or are having a toddler meltdown, there’s not much you can do, they need a reset physically before they can reset emotionally.
This isn’t really a cheat code but if you just treat customer service Representatives with respect, and express that you’re upset at the situation but not at them, they are WAY more likely to actually want to help you.
Think about it this way, if somebody came to your place of work and started yelling at you, would you [care] about helping them? No. I always start by asking how their day is going, maybe make a little joke, and then they seem to go above and beyond to help me out. I’ll often just tell them that I know it’s not their fault, but I really need help with this “thing”.
Being the calm person.
Humans are animals and “feed” off each others instinctual emotional energy. If someone is nervous, then this spreads amongst a group, same as fear, anger etc.
By being that person is perpetually calm and in control of their emotions, it has an amazing impact on subduing the more primal instincts of others. This also projects an aura of confidence, which in turn makes people trust you.
I stopped taking things personally when dealing with people. Made me not care more.
When you’re introducing yourself to someone, when you give them a handshake try to see what the color of their eyes is. It makes you look them in the eye for just a tad longer which makes them feel more “seen”, and the handshake will feel more sincere.
When I was waiting tables, honesty and sincerity usually [wins]. Be honest about what you donât like, then you can turn them in whatever direction you want and sell them anything. There were also a few hacks on the menu, where I could give them what they wanted save a few bucks and end up getting more for their money. Slightly s******g the restaurant to save the customer money is always a win for the server. Before anyone types. No it wasnât anything illegal or underhanded.
Look past people into the distance while walking in crowded spaces like airports, malls, or even in the grocery store aisles. People will presume youâre not noticing them and will give you space to continue walking without changing your own path.
Itâs not 100%, but itâs pretty darn handy. I use it in airports all the time.
When people express their problems to you, donât immediately search for a solution or make a suggestion to fix it. Just express your concern and relate to their frustration, and offer help only if they ask for it, but if you offer help unsolicited, they feel pressured and disrespected that you think they havenât thought of the solution already. They just want to vent, and when you offer unsolicited advice, it makes them feel like itâs their fault that theyâre in their situation and not that itâs out of their control, which is what is frustrating them in the first place, the idea that they could solve all their problems if they were smarter or more proactive.
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