🤯 INCRÍVEL: 49 Best Ways To Respond When Someone Weaponizes Their Incompetence: “You’ll Figure It Out!” 😲
“You can do hard things. You can figure stuff out without your manager or boss holding your hand. You listen, gather information and come to reasonable conclusions at work every day (or, with your hobby/sport/game/car/whatever). I am only demanding the same courtesy, the same intellectual effort and follow-through that you give your least-liked coworker. I would appreciate the same energy and sticktoitness you give the things you actually love.”
It some cases, this works. When it doesn’t, at least I have my answer. I am unworthy of the consideration and effort given to your shittiest coworker. I’ll never be offered what you have for the things you *actually love*.
We just aren’t living in the 1950s anymore. Women get paid to work just as hard, if not harder, than men. Yet they’re still expected to carry the bulk of the chores at home. A couple of studies have come to the same conclusion: housework is hardly ever equally shared between men and women.
Employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework, compared to 1.6 hours a day for employed men. That’s according to the European Institute for Gender Equality. It notes that gender gaps in housework participation are the largest among couples with children.
But get this: A CAKE.com study titled Gender Inequality in Unpaid Domestic Work found that women in remote working models are responsible for 72% of housework, while men take on only 28%. Almost as if remote work isn’t ‘real’ work…
Condescension.
If he wants to act like he’s incompetent treat him at his word. Teach him to do the job, with the exact energy you would teach a child to do the job. Considering the majority of the tasks men pretend they cannot do can be done by a five year old – make sure that’s the energy you give. Channel your favorite kindergarten teacher.
He will be so embarrassed or frustrated he will suddenly magically learn to do the tasks you need to “teach” him.
My partner wasn’t using weaponized incompetence but I did feel like the brunt of the cleaning/planning started falling onto me. We just have different cleanliness levels ig. I’ve never yelled at him for it but I did this:
One day I was cleaning while he was playing video games. He stopped and asked what he could clean. I didn’t want to do the mental load to create a chore list for him like he was five, so I said: If you find something dirty clean it 🙂 Now he cleans just as well as me – if not more sometimes. Things I don’t even notice.
I brought home groceries one day and left them on the counter. He asked what he should do with them. I said I don’t know. He eventually put them away [quite organized too]. He even organized the pantry which I follow too.
I was busy after starting a new job and couldn’t wash the dishes for a few days. They piled up. He offered to clean them when he got back from work. And you know what? I let him. He forgot and the dishes sat for days afterwards while he played video games + worked, but I held him to his word and he eventually got around to them after a week. Now when he offers to do something he’s on it right away.
Whenever he asks if I’m unhappy with the chore distribution I say no, but if I ever am I’ll just move out and have my own place. He then asked what if we get married. I said just because we’re married doesn’t mean we have to live together. I think at that moment it dawned on him that I would never be his maid and he will never truly “own” me or my time.
After that he started becoming more independent and cleaned just as much as me. Our house is spotless now loll and we both thank each other whenever we see each other cleaning / cooking / etc. It definitely feels more like a team effort and whenever he cleans he’s actually cleaning and not doing a “favour” for me ykwim.
The CAKE.com study also found that when it comes to couples with children, women are responsible for 57% of domestic labor, while men take on 43%.
This wasn’t just an ordinary survey that participants had to fill in. Between November 15 and December 15, 2023, CAKE.com and time tracker Clockify teamed up to allow 21 couples from Europe and North America to enter detailed logs of every minute spent on domestic chores. They then analyzed the results to showcase the current state of gender inequality in unpaid domestic work.
“Each member of the household had a specific workspace, meaning couples could not see their partners’ tracked time,” reveals CAKE.com. “This ensured the study remained fair and accurate.”
My husband telling me he came figure out the remote to the TV.
“You are the IT director for more than 300 people. You’ll figure it out!
I mean it’s the stupidest thing, but I’m putting dinner together and he couldn’t be bothered to set up whatever we were going to watch.
He does it now.
I outwardly pity them. Like: Oh, you don’t know how to do that? I can show you… Everyone else knows how. I’ll help you, but how come you don’t know how?
The results revealed that meal preparation was the most tracked household activity, taking up 25.8% of total logged household chores.
“Couples were also able to specify the exact tasks for each household activity they logged in Clockify,” explains the site. “So, according to Clockify logs, cooking takes up most of the meal preparation time.”
Cleaning was second most time-consuming chore, taking up 20.8% of logged activities, while childcare made up 15.1% of tracked labor. 9.4% went to grocery shopping and 7.6% to doing laundry.
Unfortunately I didn’t deal with that very well with my ex. I just started doing everything, and it was gradual over the years so I didn’t fully realize how bad it was.
My current partner makes the bed, notices when dishes or laundry needs to be done and then does it himself, picks up when he sees things out of place, etc. It’s so amazing, but it’s actually what any normal responsible adult really should be doing.
I don’t even bother putting myself through the process of trying to get them to do something. If they say they can’t cook or clean, I tell them that’s fine, but they need to bring something else to the table that will make up for what they won’t do, because I’m not going to be taken advantage of here.
Can’t cook? Then they get a couple of choices: give me the money to pay for groceries to cook, clean up the kitchen and dishes after I’m done cooking, or go buy take out for us. Can’t clean? They can go hire a cleaning service because I’m not cleaning up after them. I give them cheap paper cups and plates to use if they’re not willing to chip in on dish washing.
Most men I tell this to leave because they don’t want to help in any shape or form, lol. Which is fine with me. I’ve only ever had one man I dated who was very good with cleaning, but he really hated cooking. We made it a deal where I would handle all the groceries, cooking, or buying take out for us as long as he’d clean up the kitchen and dishes after me, which he always did. One of the best relationships ever.
“A supermajority of Americans (77%) believe that mothers and fathers should share the essential work of caring for children, keeping families fed and clothed, and maintaining clean and safe homes, according to recent public opinion polling,” reveals the Gender Equity Policy Institute (GEPI). “But the reality is starkly different.”
GEPI adds that mothers, whether they are married or single, spend nearly double the amount of time on childcare as fathers do. To break it down, they spend about 12 hours per week taking care of children compared to 6.7 hours for fathers. They also spend 2.4 times as much time as fathers on household work.
“Combining childcare and household work, mothers spend 2.1 times as much time as fathers on the essential and unpaid work of taking care of home and family,” notes the institute.
I love my partner dearly. For the longest time, he would say, “Could you remind me to do x?”
I told him, “You have a device in your pocket that will do that for you, at the time you need, in the words that make the most sense to you.”
He uses his phone now for reminders.
Currently, I am avoiding it all together by being single!
Previously, I avoided it with men I dated by looking for early signs. For instance, the first time I have a guy over for dinner and I’ve cooked something, does he offer to clean up? No? Probably not the right match for me!
If it ever does happen, I think you shouldn’t let them get away with it. My mom gave me a good one. She said when she first started living with my dad, he did a half job of washing the dishes. So, she gave him the dishes he washed to eat off of. He said they weren’t clean. She responded by saying that he washed them.
It goes without saying that those who do more housework or childcare have less time for themselves. And GEPI backs this up…
The institute found that across every group studied, men spend more time than women socializing, watching sports or playing video games, or doing similar activities to relax or have fun.
“Women overall have 13% less free time than men, on average,” reads GEPI’s website. “The gap balloons among some groups, with women having up to one-quarter less free time than men.”
It adds that the free-time gender gap takes hold as soon as Americans become adults, but it is near its widest among people 18 to 24.
“Over the course of a week, young men have nearly 8 hours more free time than women; over the course of a month, men’s free time grows to 36 hours,” reveals GEPI. “In a year, an 18- to 24-year-old young man will enjoy, on average, nearly 434 hours more free time than a woman his age.”
Ex refused to flush the toilet. Kept saying he forgot. Kept whining that since I was already in the bathroom, I should flush it for him instead of making him go in there & do it.
One of the many reasons I dumped him.
I stopped stepping in and fixing it.
Even when it made them look bad to others.
Even when it was inconvenient or trouble for me.
Accountability and transparency.
When I moved in with my boyfriend of nine months (now competent husband of 10 years), he said something to me like “I’m so glad you can cook. Now I won’t have to anymore” and I was like “please explain your thought process there” and he proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t very good at cooking, o my knew a few recipes, preferred to order out sometimes.
I told him that we needed to be a team, and we could discuss division of labor, but that just because I enjoy cooking and have become good at it, doesn’t mean that I suddenly want to take responsibility for providing him with all his meals. That’s a lot of time and effort and I already was working 50+ hours/wk to his 36-40.
What really clicked for him was this part: I asked him what he normally does when he’s not good at something that he needs to do, like play pc games, learn new stuff for work, or take care of home repair. He told me that he learns, does research, watches YouTube videos, practices. I explained to him that cooking is the same. He can apply all of those methods to cooking, and get better. He understood that concept pretty well.
I told him that just giving up, not taking any steps to get better, and expect me to pick up the responsibility was weaponized incompetence.
He’s been pretty amazing since then. We had many discussions about division of labor, finances and time. We made compromises and changed things we could and it ended up working out ❤️.
Yet some men, with all the free time on their hands, still have the audacity to use weaponized incompetence to get out of doing chores at home. And if you still aren’t familiar with the term, Psychology Today defines weaponized incompetence as when someone knowingly or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading others to take on more work.
I just leave. They can sit in their own filth. Done trying to raise these grown men just because they momma didn’t.
I’ve lost people to … Well you can fill it in, I’m probably not allowed to say, anyway. Made a rule with myself that I refuse to allow people in my life that refuse to try and survive and live. Can’t keep saving someone from drowning when they keep jumping in the water and refusing to even try and keep their head above water…
I don’t allow it. I watched my dad do that with my mom and resented the way he treated her.
My now husband doesn’t do the whole weaponized incompetence bit, and early on in dating I had a conversation with him about the fact that I don’t tolerate it.
He’s Swedish, so men are a little less likely to use weaponized incompetence. It’s not as tolerated in Sweden. Not that there aren’t Swedish men who do it, but I’ve seen way less of them versus American guys.
Hubby makes all our date night plans, cooks, cleans, etc. I never had to nag, or double check him, nothing.
Weaponized incompetence doesn’t just lead to an unequal division of labor. It can understandably also strain relationships by breeding frustration, resentment, distrust, and conflict.
To those who think they’re beating the system by using weaponized incompetence, we say: “If you can figure out how to do the tough tasks at work, or change the oil in your car without calling a mechanic, or set up a new PlayStation, you sure as heck can learn how to use a washing machine or mop a floor.”
I’ve never moved in with a useless partner.
Generally I go the “I believe in you” route. You’re so smart, you can do XYZ, of course you can figure this out, I believe in you.
I’m not interested in being with somebody incapable. I’m not interested in being with somebody malicious. It’s one of those two things.
I said “I deserve a clean house and uncomplicated life. Either i can clean it alone in my own house or you take responsibility for your own stuff by listing what you think is and isn’t your responsibility and WHEN it should be done. But I will not drag you kicking and screaming into adulthood and healthy partnership. “.
I was a preschool teacher for awhile and when my partner couldn’t (wouldn’t) find things, magically forgot how to basic tasks, etc. I would preschool them really blatantly.
“Oh no! Did we forget our finding words?! Behind the book means the book is in front and object is in back! Let’s try it right now!”
“Oh no! Did we forget what IN means? Let’s try right now by putting our dishes IN the dishwasher! Ah ah ah catch that bubble! We don’t complain about clean up time!”
He was also a preschool teacher so it was extra shameful for him but he only tried that stuff once before remembering his finding words and how to load the dishwasher.
The cooking thing pisses me off about dudes. My wife and I have been together for over 15 years now, and when we first started seeing each other, I could barely cook a grilled-cheese sandwich by myself. She would sometimes ask me to help her in the kitchen chopping onions, peppers, etc. If there was something she wanted help prepping, I would do it. If I didn’t know how, I asked her to show me and I would do the next one. We started ordering those meal kits for a year or two. You know the Blue one and the Fresh one. I would often do the whole meal by myself from start to finish. Because of that, I know how to cook in general now. I can look in the fridge and come up with something to make for dinner, lunch, whatever. I hate hearing about men who don’t even bother to put any effort in at all.
“i refuse to be a queer woman in a hetero relationship where i have to argue with a man about how to be a properly functioning adult human”
like it was actually so embarrassing having to go to my friends and tell them we were currently fighting over how to properly clean dishes. i could not imagine a worse hell.
I made him an appointment with a neurologist, telling him I suspected brain damage or disease.
I call it right out. Loudly. Even in front of other people. He is an adult human who made it to 35 before we got married. He owns his own company and manages complex tech issues. If he claims he doesn’t understand something he can RTFM. Like, when I was traveling for work, he called to ask how long to chuck nuggies in the air frier. I pointed out that the instructions on the bag would be a great source of information for him. Maaaaagical.
ETA: Cooking really is his only blind spot, but it’s a blind spot that takes up soooooo much of my time and energy.
I think the best way to tackle this is to remove them from your life. Of course, it’s harder when you’re married with children. But there’s never gonna be a moment of epiphany for these guys. They will not change and become better.
Saying this as someone who was married to a man who never picked up after himself but was quick to pick fights.
A coworker once casually asked me about my lunch and I said I was reheating leftovers from something nice my husband had made the night before (I don’t remember what it was, but it’s not relevant, probably some kind of curry). She asked if it was a special occasion, and I said no, I work during the day and he works nights, so he makes dinner almost every day because he’s home, then I don’t have to rush to put something together and he can eat before he leaves.
When I tell you, she looked *flabbergasted*. Even one of our male coworkers commented that he rarely cooks at home because he “doesn’t really know how”, and I barely stopped myself from saying “wow, that must suck for your wife”
My ex didn’t cook at all and in fact the one time I asked him to start some rice-a-roni, he didn’t read the box and just dumped all the ingredients in a pan, then shrugged when I asked him how he messed it up that bad. Dude also didn’t do his own laundry, take out trash or, you know, clean anything else. He’d mastered weaponized incompetence to the point that I knew before asking that I’d regret it, and just stopped. I wasn’t going to do that again, and my next boyfriend was actually willing to do things that needed done, and learn to do new things if he didn’t already know how. I married that one, which I’m glad for because apparently not being a manipulative, lazy POS is rare.
“When you ___, I feel ___, I wanted to feel ___. If you keep doing ___, I will ____.”
“When you state you are unable to utilize groceries in order to cook meals, I feel betrayed, used, and disgusted. In my relationships, I want to feel admiration, teamwork, and growth.
If you keep hiding behind feigned incompetence, I will assume your longterm plan is simply to extract extra labor from me to benefit yourself, and I will leave you.
There are literally thousands of books and shows that educate people on cooking and household management. Your refusal to seek education and do your fair share is frankly disgusting.
If you were actually incompetent, you would urgently try to learn so you don’t embarrass yourself like this. Thats why it’s clear that your plan is to extract unfair labor from me. A fair person would make a trade instead of playing dumb.”.
There’s a guy at work that feels my job is beneath him and refuses to do it for himself when I’m off and it’s only for a few small things when required.( He is designated to do my tasks as he works five days and I work 4).
He will write lengthy notes for stuff he claims he doesn’t know how to do and leaves them for me to complete on my next day of work. I complained to his boss, no change.
So I started leaving the notes on his bosses desk. His boss asked me why I wasn’t doing the stuff on the notes, and I responded that maybe coworker needed more training to do my job when I’m off, and him writing a detailed note took more time than doing the task he avoided. ( I clued my boss in on what I was doing and had his full support ). .
I was the wedding coordinator for my nephew this past weekend. One of the groomsman showed up with his clothes wrinkled – said he had never ironed before and didn’t know how.
Me: if your truck makes a weird noise and you need to fix it, what do you do?
Him: look it up on YouTube.
Me: blank stare
Him: oh. Oh! I could have looked it up on YouTube.
Me: and good news, you still can. Get to it.
When I was a training manager I had a young man who claimed not to know how to clean a toilet or use a vacuum. Wrong lady to pull that stuff with, I grabbed the cleaning supplies and I said follow me. I took him to the toilet, and I handed him the supplies. Kid had the balls to look surprised?!? I proceeded to give him step by step instructions, spray the whole toilet… scrub and wipe the whole toilet, WOW you cleaned a toilet! Did the same with the vacuum, plug in the vacuum… turn it on…push it around, WOW you can vacuum!
I had him let go before his probationary period was even over because he was like that with EVERYTHING. Absolutely ridiculous male.
I don’t think this is really weaponized incompetence, more like “outsourcing his critical thinking.” But anyway I feel bad about this in retrospect lol. Recently my husband was putting away laundry while I was doing the dishes. Finally, he ends up with 3 pairs of jeans and he doesn’t know whose is whose.
For reference, it’s just me and my husband. We’re similar in size, but not in height.
For whatever reason, he decided instead of trying to figure it out, he just left all 3 pairs out for me to tell him which was which.
I basically laughed in his face 🫣😭
Like what do you mean???? Look at the brands! Look at the sizes! Look at the lengths! You don’t know what your own pants look like?
2 of the 3 ended up being his! Still baffled how he couldn’t tell at a glance. It’s not like we’re rich or big into fashion. He probably has less than 5 pairs of jeans total!
Generally he’s so great, I usually just tell him I trust his judgement or to ask around/the internet. Not sure I recommend laughing hahaha. But it worked!
You are a smart clever bloke, you can use the internet, I believe in your ability to do it.
I dropped the rope and matched his energy. We have house cleaning weekly so the bathrooms are sanitary.
The other day he had a meltdown about how hard it is to be responsible for all the house chores. I darn near laughed in his face, but instead said “oh honey just make me a list and I’ll get to it”.
He hasn’t made me a list and I did everything on the list.
A lot of men you just can’t fix, they have to fix themselves after realizing that they need to be fixed. Your partner definitely fits into that category.
That said social roles go both ways and you will often see women pushing men out of doing chore because of their own ideas of what should be going on in the house which is obviously much easier to fix.
As someone who loves to cook but has limited control over groceries after moving back in with family, cooking is boring when you don’t have control of the ingredients. You were definitely on the right track trying to force him to get involved from the groceries step.
Delegating subtasks after you have already taken ownership of the task never works, they have to be engaged from step 1.
I don’t have an answer to your question but these weaponised incompetence posts always make me think of this yougov poll where one of the questions was “do you think you could land a plane in an emergency?” and nearly half the guys said yes. And I just imagine there’s a large correlation between these men and the ones that say “but babe I don’t know how the washing machine works”.
I think I’ve encountered weaponized slovenliness more than incompetence.
Nearly every relationship I’ve had has been with a guy whose standards for cleanliness are way below mine. Which is surprising because these men all met or even exceeded my expectations for personal hygiene and grooming, but none of that extended to their living environment.
They would clean without being prompted or complaining, but only once something reached a state they considered unacceptably dirty. This was usually at least a week after I was bothered by it. I never came up with a good solution, because I couldn’t convince them cleaning was even necessary at an earlier point, let alone that they should be the ones to do it. They were fine with taking on their share of the chores, but there was a fundamental disagreement about how often these chores were needed.
If they don’t get it through reasoning and you telling them at the beginning, they never will
They either care, or they don’t — nagging and hoping does nothing.
My ex would get so loud and aggressive when I pointed out he had been in the military and knew how to fold laundry. He would purposefully cook badly and break glasses and load the dishwasher with cups sitting upright and dishes crammed in too close together. He didn’t work either, so any time I demanded of him came out of his gaming time and he was deeply resentful of that. He even stopped spending time with my family because I refused to see his father again after he groped me.
There was no “fixing” that. I tried to gently urge him into therapy. I tried to help him with his VA benefits for disability. I tried to encourage him to spend time with his friends when he started getting reclusive and he refused to go out with me anywhere. It would always end with him shouting and posturing, and then he cheated on me.
My boyfriend now was a whole adult before I ever met him. He cooks, he washes dishes, he does laundry, all without being asked to. If he cooks, I wash dishes and vice versa. He actually got bashful the first time I washed clothes for him and handed them to him folded.
Some people just weren’t raised right. Some people have no motivation to improve themselves.
I just say I believe in you.
Usually it’s something like this.
Incompetent person: I don’t know how to do this!
You: if you go here and do this. [Short demo]
IP: Can’t you do it for me?
You: I believe in you!
I don’t mind showing or giving suggestions but I’m not just going to do it all for you.
I have stopped giving them access to waste my time. No need to date an incompetent, and I sure as hell won’t have one living in my house.
There is one of them in my circle who likes to sluff off his parenting responsibilities by ignoring his kids and letting others pick up the slack; I deal with him by refusing to spend time with him if his kids are there and his wife is not.
My Dad told me he didn’t know how to do the dishes when I was a kid and I didn’t know what weaponized incompetence was so I genuinely believed it. I offered to teach him classes until he got it. He screamed that he wasn’t an idiot, he did know. I was sooooo confused why he would say that then. He tried it a couple of years later with closing the toilet lid and I again believed him and asked my Mom to take him to the hospital to get his brain checked out and he admitted he was lying to not do tasks. He never tried it again with me.
I’ve never had a partner do weaponized incompetence but I plan to do the same as I did to my Dad.
Had a boss at work, one who on multiple occasions commented that I need to smile more, who never wanted to learn how to run certain reports or such and instead asked me to do them. I hit him with my fallback, the old southern charm, “oh sweetie, isn’t that cute that a big old man like yourself needs a little lady like me for something so simple. Bless your heart. Don’t worry, one day you’ll figure it out.” All smiles and sugar words loud enough for anybody nearby to hear.
I have never been failed by southern charm and precarious male masculinity in the work place. Personally I use this southern charm mixed with southern bluntness that they either figure it out for themselves or deal with the consequences.
I married an adult who had been feeding himself and keeping his apartment clean on his own for quite a while. He was just happy to have someone do half the chores!
I flip it on him every time. If I ask him to boil pasta and he asks for help or how to do something, I will say, “are you asking me to make the pasta?” Or “which part don’t you understand?” But not in a mean or snide way. Just very neutral. And it usually makes him do whatever I originally asked.
My x used to ask my “where are my keys?” My answer was “ where ever you left them”.
I matched his energy, he hated it, I moved out and he got to live in the trash heap he created because I stopped cleaning up after him for the last 6 months of our relationship, he had no clean clothes, no clean dishes, bins overflowing, a gaming room that looked like a landfill, black mould (he wouldn’t let me open windows) and the cherry ontop, he blocked both the bathtub and toilet, it was a rental he inherited the tenancy from his late mother who was a hoarder and he already had 2 threats of eviction at that point.
If you see weaponised incompetence tendencies, RUN!
I once told him that I was less inclined to have intimacy with him because I felt like his mother and that’s not a kink for me. Strong, competent, proactive men are attractive.
It didn’t work, but it was the truth.
I hate scrubbing toilets and when I moved in with my partner I knew I wasn’t going to want to do it with even more toilets. So I hired someone for it. Problem solved.
I make them answer a question so they have to admit their incompetence out loud or figure it out. Had one guy tell me he didn’t know if he could make a box of Mac and cheese but that he’d try. So I said “you’re telling me you have never made a box of Mac and cheese? Or that you’re incapable of reading the instructions and following the 4 steps with pictures on the box?” And then I am silent while maintaining eye contact and 9 times out of 10 they’ll backtrack and figure it out.
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