𤯠INCRĂVEL: Crazy Things People Said That Sounded Like Jokes But Werenât đ˛
A coworker told me the covid vaccine has a microchip that tracks your location, controls your thoughts, and “makes you forget about God”
My reply was tht she didn’t need a shot for that- she had already paid for one and put it in her pocket. The Location function on her phone was, in fact, on.
That Trump was appointed by god. Also in the same sentence they called me a stupid liberal which didnât surprise me much. The fact that there are real people who are allowed to vote that think their imaginary friend in the sky appointed the current president made me fear for our future.
I have a friend who genuinely believes dehydration is a myth made up by Nestle to sell bottled water. It’s her only truly bizarre belief and she’s a very smart, well-educated woman with a master’s degree. We’ve been friends for about a decade, I know her well, and it’s the only weird thing and she refuses to drop it. Her bf apparently chugs water while making eye contact with her during arguments.
That as a disabled person I should not be expected to be paid for working and I should only do it âto pass timeâ.
This person is a licensed therapist who is very active in the disabled community and was recently promoted to director of a renowned clinic a few towns away. I feel so bad for her future patients.
“Shut your mouth you dirty jew.”
A “friend” (the owner of the LARP i attended, knew him for years) said that to me at a party once, but because of how he did it, I laughed, because I assumed he was just being ironically horrible. He did it twice more throughout the night, either on his own or through other people, and again, I laughed each time.
Until one of his closer friends finally took me aside and said “hey shiva14b, you have to stop laughing. He’s not being funny. I’ve known this guy a long time, and its what he’s really about.”
Another friend of his once said to me “oh shiva14b, you’re so smart, and funny, and beautiful, what a shame you’re jewish!” And again, I laughed. Until again, a different friend took me aside and explained that the guy wasn’t being funny.
Just wild. Really shook me, and made me rethink every interaction I’d had over the years. After that, I stopped laughing along with people being ironically horrible, and started to really look at what they were saying instead of just accepting it as a “joke.”
ETA: I just want to add that everyone involved in this story was aged 30-40+. So not like, teen edge-lords. Adults.
“I don’t hire women. Women are… *complicated*. This is a professional company; I can’t take clients back here and see some woman weeping with tampons scattered all over her desk.”
Until 2009, I had never encountered that blatant of sexism in person. The closest before that was a company public mailing list where a manager said, “I have not, and will never, take orders from a woman.” But this was right in front of me when I asked why this help desk manager was dropping perfectly good applicants for help desk positions. I thought he was joking, or being ironic, but then he continued.
“I know you’re progressive and need ‘to be on the side of women’s rights.’ I get that. I want to be laid, too. But who in their right mind would actually hire a woman for a technical position? Tell me one time that you saw a help desk with a woman sitting there?”
“Uh, all my former IT jobs.”
“Okay, well, you have led a very sheltered life. Real professionals in the real world know that when the chips are down, they don’t need mommy’s voice on the other end. It’s bad for business.”
Just… appalling. He was later “forced to quit before he was fired” but he got another help desk manager job out there right away.
In a wheelchair at the airport, and an older woman comes over and asks “Are you handicapped? Youâre too pretty to be in that wheelchair.” I gave her a mean stare, until she walked away.
I worked at a brewery, and one of the products we made was Kombucha fermented in whiskey barrels that we bought from a distillery down the road.
I was working the tap counter when a woman came in and asked if we had gluten-free beer. I said no, but we do have a hard Kombucha which is gluten-free, and its especially tasty on account of the barrel-fermentation.
This woman proceeded to lose her mind and told me that there was no way the Kombucha was gluten-free because the barrel staves were glued together, and “gluten is Latin for glue” so there was obviously “gluten in the barrel glue” and thus I was purposely misleading her. I laughed because it was one of the most insane things I’d ever heard, and I thought she was putting me on. Nope. Dead serious.
After I explained to her that the whiskey barrels were sealed with organic beeswax, she came around and tried some. She ended up buying 3 full growlers and left happy. Go figure.
The earth is only 6000 years old. I thought it was a bit nope. My mom turned into a young earth creationist. This woman dug up fossils in Montana with me. We were at the god darned shale beds together.
A coworker once said to me, “Of course you know the Moon isn’t real!”
Not the Moon Landing, the Moon.
I pretended to not hear him because I was getting off in an hour, and that was going to be a four hour conversation that would end in him continuing to disagree.
I was making small talk with the fellow who was making my food. I mentioned something about the dreary weather weâd been having. He said something about peopleâs mood being bad. I nodded and said that our mood is certainly affected by the weather. He looked me right in the eye and emphatically stated that it was the other way around⌠that our mood and emotions MAKE the weather bad.
I was with a friend at their community pool and talking with some neighbors of theirs that they are friendly with.
My phone accidentally fell in the pool but it was no big deal because it is waterproof.
The neighbor said âoh thatâs nice, I canât get a new phone because I donât want the 5Gs changing my DNAsâ pluralizing both â5Gâ and âDNAâ.
I laughed because I thought it was a joke. She was VERY serious.
She also may have called in âD&Asâ instead of DNA but I canât be sure.
âYouâre too calm⌠it makes people uncomfortable.â I thought they were joking. They werenât.
Shortest possible short story short, my coworker believes she is currently engaged to a famous football player she met through a Facebook account that just shares the same name. When enough people brought it up to her that thatâs insane her reasoning was âwell, the guy we see on tv is a clone.. and Iâm dating the real person.â.
“Hey, your kid is autistic so you’re against vaccines, right?”
First time I’d ever heard anything like that from a guy I worked with for years, and always thought he was a very laid back, easy going dude. Surprised the hell out of me.
When I worked in a movie theater in high school, a man came up to me when I was taking tickets. He told me that a scene from the trailer of the movie he saw didn’t appear in the movie. He wanted his money back. I did a polite fake laugh, thinking it was a dumb joke. He looked at me stone-faced and said he was serious. I sent him to the box office to see about collecting his money.
When I worked at a grocery store, a customer asked me if we sold tennis balls. I said that we unfortunately did not. He then went on to explain what tennis balls look like, just in case I was confused, I guess?
I was a server at outback steakhouse. Some lady wanted the steakhouse salad, pointed to the picture of it and said “I want this” I said okay how do you want the steak cooked. She said well done. Salad came out and she flipped out cause the steak didn’t look like the picture, it was a medium rare steak on the picture. I said well you ordered well done. She literally responded with “yes but why doesn’t it look like that” needed my manager to come over and try to explain to her your steak won’t look medium rare if you order it well done. She never understood and just walked out. I know it’s not like actually crazy but I was dumbfounded.
My (now ex) husband: âI want to have children, I just donât want to have them with you.â
Me: ââŚwhatâŚwhy?â
Him: âBecause youâre a lose woman.â
He went on to inform me that this was because I was not a virgin when he met me, which had never been an issue in the past (if it had been I wouldnât have even dated someone who thought like that). He said he must have been in denial back then because he was in love with me. Anyway, I found out later that was sleeping with someone at work at the time he said those lovely words to me. They got married, had 3 kids, divorced, and heâs now on Wife #4.
My boss once told me, ‘We donât need a backup plan because failure is not in our budget.’ I thought he was being inspirational. He was actually just telling me we don’t have insurance.
Bro told me he started taking steroids to “kick start” a new “healthy” lifestyle.
This friend wasn’t the brightest bulb…
I told a coworker that she was in my dream the previous night. She said, “I know. I was there. I traveled astrally.” She was dead serious.
“Masks don’t work because you can smell through them.”
Poor dumb redneck was so sure of himself that he got me with his redneck logic he was actually smirking with a look like “How could anyone possibly argue with that?”
You can’t make this up.
Pastor neighbor was out mowing his lawn in barely there running shorts, no shirt, and way too much tanning oil. He told me I needed to get to his church and find god. Besides finding it difficult to maintain eye contact (there was *sooo* much hair and oil), I laughed nervously. He was very serious and took the laugh as an insult. We didnât talk again. It worked out.
One of our engineers walked into my office. He had spent the morning working with a technician to troubleshoot an aircraft electrical issue. The engineer was in mid-hissy fit. Why was he upset? Because the technician was born in the Philippines, and had an unusual sounding (to a Westerner) name. The engineer stood before my desk and launched into a rant complaining that his freedumbs were being trampled upon because this technicianâs name wasnât something he was used to in rural Tennessee. He further insisted that the Government pass laws regulating the names given to children – I guess he wanted a world where every male child was named Cletus or Bubba.
And yes, this guy was very noisy about being a âstrict Constitutionalistâ and a âsmall government conservativeâ.
Mid COVID:
Me: “My cousin lives in Toronto and they aren’t allowed to go to bars without a vaccine”
My (now) wife’s roommate: “Communism”
I laughed, she did not. She’s one of those right wing psychos who generally believes that democratic socialism and communism are the exact same thing.
Someone once told me they genuinely believe the earth is flat and argued for an hour like it was common sense.
Someone claimed their child’s school put litter boxes in the bathrooms at the school. All because they heard a rumor that was coming out of the US and their child claimed it was also happening at their school.Â
I just nodded along and asked if they checked with their head of school or teachers.Â
Nope. Just blindly believing this.
I was the hiring manager doing job interviews for a job where I, a woman, would be the line manager. We have to ask a standard HR question on EDI (something like âtell us about a time when you worked well with someone from a different backgroundâ or whatever). The candidate replied with a good example, but then ended it with âbut generally I prefer not to work with womenâ. Incredible stuff.
UFOs are demons surveying Earth to pick who to reproduce with so they can make humans with demon DNA so that Heaven doesnât recognize them as children of God. Also, the COVID vaccine carries demon DNA for the same purpose.
Her: “Did you know you can get pregnant from X-Rays?”
Me: “No you can’t”
Her: “Then why do they make you wear that lead apron?”
Me: “Jesus Christ.”
(this was a girl I’d met when we were both teenagers, and this random statement was made at some point during the first time we hung out. I never saw her again, lol).
I once met a girl who claimed she invented the phrase, “I know, right?” She was dead serious. Thought everyone was copying her. This was at least 15 years ago and I still think about it.
Went to Disney world some years back and was at a strip mall in Kissimmee or there abouts pushing my at the time 11 mo old son, when a foreign guy starts following us (Middle Eastern, possibly Caucasian as in Armenian, Georgian) You see these guys all the time in malls selling their wares so I pay him no mind, but after bit he runs out in front and cuts us off the stroller with his foot.
He proceeds to ask who the parents were and offered to buy him! I thought it was a joke, you know his way of saying how adorable he is, but no he pulls out a wad of dough (at least 3k) and insisted. I was shocked and didnt know how to respond, “how do you have the gall to walk up to strangers and ask to buy their child?” It showed me that he must have done it before to be that brazen and what was the outcome, illegal adoption schemes, something more nefarious? Given some of the stresses of parenting I always joke and say I wonder if the deal is still on table, in fact Ill pay him this time, lol, but when I think back I should’ve alerted someone.
I went to pick up a Rx. Pharmacist says ” your total is $329.” I let out a giggle, the Pharmacist did not. The Rx is omeprazole (antacid stuff)! I told her there’s no way I am paying that price. Thank God for some finagling. She got it down to $30.
There are so many with this dude that is a former friend of mine. We actually lived together for 11 months and I’ve came to the conclusion that he may actually be a narcissist or at least some cluster B stuff going on with him.Â
One of the most ridiculous things was how he wouldn’t associate with someone because they were a “loser in high school”. Mind you we were pushing 30 at this point. Just obsessed with social status and how he thought people saw him.
Not to meâ but my friend who worked as a therapist in a mental institution in Brooklyn. On the morning of 9/11, she got off the subway and arrived at work and was greeted by her patients screaming that a plane flew into the World Trade Center. She calmly took them aside and said, âletâs talk about thisâŚ.â Having no idea they were telling her the truth.
New employee A just started. Me and another employee B on shift, talk about politics. We don’t go over board or anything. He overheard me mention Epstein and “beef jerky” an wouldn’t surprise me Trump was eating people too.
This mf interjected “you know he was undercover right?”
Like what, I thought that was just an internet talking point, not that people actually believed it.
Worst hire ever.
I met up with a guy at a bar on the first date. He said âIâm a big fan of Honey Boo-Boo!â He was not kidding. He even had a picture of them together when her family had an open house Christmas party.
âWe should have kids together. They would be superior with our combined genetics.â At a party. By an acquaintance.
I confided in a friend about my uncle dying and my mom got picked up after getting lost trying to get to him which led to a Dementia diagnosis and a forever nursing home.
I could tell she wasnât listening but I asked if I said something that bothered her.
She said âyouâre just too self deprecatingâ
I thought she was just being sarcastic or just the normal dark humor.
Later on that week she heard me telling someone else about what happened and she said âwhy didnât you tell me that?â
We are no longer friends.
My mom works in Nursing homes. She once had a resident say there’s a Kangaroo in the building.
There was indeed a baby kangaroo visiting down stairs.
Also had squirrels break in before too.
90s or 00s, a company moved into the suite next door & the owner is real friendly and chatty. One visit he tells us his partner has an Emmy and got his start working on Debbie Does Dallas. Finally visit his office and his partner has his Emmy sitting on his desk…
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