đ€Ż INCRĂVEL: 48 People Share The Sharpest Comebacks Theyâve Ever Witnessed đČ
I donât know about you, but the perfect comeback usually finds me several hours too lateâright when Iâm in the shower or desperately trying to fall asleep. By then, of course, the moment is long gone. Some people, however, seem to have a natural gift for saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time, and the rest of us can only watch in awe.
Luckily, one Redditor asked users to share the wittiest comebacks theyâve ever said or heard, and they came through with plenty. So if you want a few sharp lines ready for later, this might come in handy. Scroll down for the best ones.
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A man at work said something out of line and when there was absolutely no reaction from the female employee, he laughed and said, âShe didnât even hear meâŠâ
She turned back to him and said, âNo, I heard you, but youâre not my teenage son. Youâre my coworker. It isnât my job to correct your ignorance, it was your motherâs, and apparently she failed you.â.
Context: I’m a gymnastics coach, and sometimes I like to be melodramatic to make my students laugh. Some of them like to match my energy on it.
I had the following interaction with a 9-year-old:
ME: “Hey, you got a problem?”
HER: *looks me up and down, then crosses her arms* “Yeah, I got a problem.”
ME: “Well I got a problem, and it’s 4 feet tall and wearing a pink leotard.”
HER (without taking so much as one nanosecond to think about it): “Well at least your problem’s pretty.”.
My boss always kept his desk completely clear of anything. Just screens, keyboard, and mouse. One day he comes over to my desk: âyour messy desk could mean a messy mindâ
Me: âand what does your empty desk mean then?â.
We had this terminally stupid person who always rolled their eyes at others opinions. One day someone had enough and blurted out, âKeep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.â Mic drop office moment.
I once saw a guy quit a job because the foreman was all over him about not working fast enough: âI only work at one speed, twelve dollars an hour.â And then just walked out.
Unit secretary at the ER I used to work at was an absolute treasure, one of the funniest people I’ve known and took no nonsense. One day a surgeon who was a huge jerk was yelling at her over something completely outside her control, she just got up and walked away without saying anything.
Dude proceeded to lose it even more, one of the ER docs saw her in the supply room asked where she went. She replied “I was going to find who he was talking to like that, cause I knew it wasn’t me.”.
Overly condescending boss looking over my work: “Can I ask a stupid question?”
Me, on my last week at that job: “You seem qualified.”.
This kid Tucker in elementary school kept teasing me saying “Hope rhymes with dope”.
I responded with “oh yeah, what does Tucker rhyme with?”
His face got very red and he stormed off crying.
Alex Kapranos (Frontman for Franz Ferdinand) had someone reply to a tweet of his with “I had to Google you.”
He replied “I had to Google you too, unfortunately nothing came up.”.
This will get buried, but there was a famous court case in which Wlliam F Buckley was called as an expert witness for a court case. Upon cross-examination, the rival lawyer waved a dictionary in the air, saying “have you ever even read a dictionary, sir!?”
To which Buckley replied, accurately, that he had written the foreword to the very dictionary the lawyer was holding.
When I was growing up, my very short grandpa measured my height. I was 5’10” that day. He jokingly said, “I’m closer to 6 feet than you are.” My grandma immediately replied, “Yeah, closer to 6 feet under!”.
My husband was in the closet, checking for suspected bugs, he found some very tiny onesÂ
Him: “I think they could be mites, but I’m not sure”
Me: “So they’re maybies, then”
He didn’t find it as funny as I did.
I was the youngest of 3 girls, and my older sisters teased me relentlessly. When I got my first period, my oldest sister said she was going to put up a sign on the corner that said âopkc got her period this month!â I said âThatâs fine, Iâll put up a sign next to it that says Sister didnât get her period this month.â.
We were all playing Mario Kart 8 with the kids the other night and our 11yo tells our 15yo, “I’d tell you to eat my dust but you’re so far behind me you’d starve.” We had to pause because hubby and I just couldn’t stop laughing.
Was in fifth grade and the class was lining up to head to the cafeteria for lunch. The boy in front of me turned around to face me, stared for a couple seconds, then sneered and asked why I was growing a mustache if I was a girl. I am proud of myself to this day for not missing a beat before asking him why he couldn’t grow one if he was a boy.
In university, while I was in a course, I just put my head down for a bit and closed my eyes. I wasnât a sleep or anything but a few minutes later prof calls my name and says âstop falling asleepâ and I jolt back up.
The next class, she asks us âwhat makes a good quality courseâ. People were giving answers and I decided the put my hand up. She calls on me and I say âIt wonât make you fall asleepâ. It took a second but the whole class just erupts laughing. Then she ended up laughing too and says âI deserved thatâ.
This was back when I was in the Navy and I was hanging out with about 6 guys from my department in our berthing. We were kind of teasing one guy off and on about where he was from. He happened to be Ukrainian and had grown up near Chernobyl before he moved to the US as a teen.
Well about 10 mins or so into hanging out we started talking about our preference in women and the convo went as follows:
Ukrainian Sailor: I’ve always preferred my women to be strong.
My best friend: and irradiated
Ukrainian Sailor: I swear to god if I hear one more Chernobyl joke…
Me: Youâll what? Melt down!?!
A cop pulls over a woman and is giving her a ticket, and she says, “I thought cops didn’t give hot women tickets?” His response was. “We don’t,” and handed her a ticket.
On the NYC subway a guy with bad BO pushed through the crowded car holding up a sign saying âJesus is Comingâ. As his smelly underarm passed inches away from a ladyâs face she yelled out âIs he bringing SOAP???â.
Once I had to call a coworker who had called out sick to ask him a quick question. As the call ended I jokingly said “Ya know, you don’t sound very sick.”
Without skipping a beat he said “Well you don’t sound like a doctor.”
I think about that often.
Tennisser Vitas Gerulaitis was defeated by Jimmy Connors 16 consecutive times.
After he finally beat Connors he said:
“And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row!”.
When Lady Astor told Churchill, “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea,” he famously retorted, “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d drink it”.
Worked a security job with my father. Â A âgentlemanâ who definitely did not belong in the restricted area wanted to get past our security check point. Â When we denied him entrance, he got [angry] and asked/yelled, âdo you know who I am?!?!â
Without missing a beat and with an Oscar worthy performance of âconcerned bystanderâ, my father says, âwhy? Â Have you forgotten? Â Would you like me to call an ambulance?â
I followed my fatherâs lead and played it straight faced but I really struggled to hold in my laughter!
One time this big football dude was crossing a bridge in front of me and some dude squared up to fight him. The football dude calmly said “buddy, think about what youre doing, you are the type of guy i fight on the way to fights” and the dude put his dukes down and retreated. Amazing.
My oldest son, when he was about 6 years old. I had made some sort of dad joke and followed it up with âIâm embarrassing you, arenât I?â
That witty little guy responded âno, youâre embarrassing yourselfâ.
Heâs 14 now and I still havenât recovered, haha.
Putting the heart monitors on a precocious little boy before surgery, who was bragging about winning his spelling test.
Kid: of course I know what that is, thatâs a defibrillator!
(Very matter of fact, with a super healthy dose of kid snark)
Anesthetist: yeah thatâs right, can you spell that?
Kid, thinks for a second, then says to the anesthetist;
âCan You?â
To this day, top five favourite patient ever.
My friend in a checkout lane at a Trader Joe’s when another very bubbly checker opens a lane and calls him over with, “I can help you over here Mr. Man… Sir!”
His reply: “Please, MISTER Man Sir is my father.”.
Comedian said to me ( front row) âyouâre pretty funny arenât you mateâ I replied âI figured one of us should beâ.
At work. The Stones song “Beast of Burden” is playing overhead. My female coworker is singing along with the “pretty pretty girls” part, and she says “Pretty pretty girls…hey did you guys know, this song’s about me?”
Instantly my buddy Mike: “Which one are you, a beast or a burden?”.
Me and my husband had been messing around telling “that’s what she said” jokes and our 11 year old came on the room and asked why we were laughing so much. I told her that it was nothing, just an adult joke, and she replied “you’re an adult joke”, ngl it still hurts 4 years later.
My stepdad is a jerk, a snide one whose face looks like heâs always sucking on a sour toenail. At the time I was studying radio broadcasting and wanted to be a radio host/DJ. I joked about how at least Iâd be getting paid for talking since I do it a lot anyway.
He snarkily said âyeah haha I didnât know how to tell you nicely.â
I responded with âdonât be silly, youâd never say it nicely.â
Felt pretty good. As a kid he was the type to always point out something that was wrong, never gave positive reinforcement. Especially sucked since I had undiagnosed adhd.
I pulled up to the local bar after buying a new car and a guy said “must be nice having daddy’s money” and I responded “it is, but please stop calling me daddy.”.
I had one that I was proud of 20-some years later.
One time at the beach some young women walked by us in bikinis and my wife said “I’ll never look like that again”. To which I replied “neither will they”.
Overheard a comment in a bar between people I worked with.
“Well that’s the first time I’ve ever been insulted by a Welshman”
“Really? You should get out more”.
When I was young at a club -1988, I asked a girl if she wanted to dance. She said âI donât want to dance with you!â
I said, âWhy are you being so choosy, Iâm not.â And I walked away.
She followed me back to my table and asked if I would dance with her now.
Someone at work âIâm looking for the biggest idiot to cover my shiftâ.
Me: âthereâs a mirror in the bathroom if you need helpâ.
Unfortunately, heard: I wish I could buy what you know and sell what you think you know.
One of my dad’s friends was a legendary wit and this story was told at his funeral.
John was telling a drunken tale at a grownup party that involved him saying something like “…and then we snuck away to…”
His wife, for some reason, interrupted his story for a quick grammar correction, “It’s not ‘snuck’, John, it’s ‘sneaked’.
Without missing a beat John said, “Well, I’ll be feaked.”
Everyone cracked up. Not a bad way to be remembered!
Cycling to school with my friend once aged about 11 or 12 we passed three girls, all about the same age, trying to embarrass another of the girls one shouted to my friend, “she fancies you” to which quick as a flash he replied “I don’t blame her”.
he’s a millionaire now.
My 11 year old daughter was being sassy with me and I replied jokingly âI will not stand for this!â, and without missing a beat she replied âthen sit downâ.
My first name begins with a J, so for this exercise my name is John. I was hiking with my young kids in the woods, and one of them said they couldn’t keep their left and right straight at trail junctions without overly thinking about it. “It’s simple,” I said, stretching my hands out in front of me. “Make an L with your left thumb and index finger, and that L stands for left. Now take your other hand and make a J. Well, J stands for John, and John is always right.”.
My wife was on her moontimes. She bled a lot on the bed. I said “Whoa! That’s one big period.” She replied instantly “More like an exclamation point.”.
I’m a bus driver, and one of our drivers has a heavy german accent. One day, a hispanic child missed their stop, but the driver couldn’t speak the language. She called dispatch and asked for help, saying the little girl couldn’t speak English.
The dispatcher replied: “Well, you have that in common.”.
Well, I called my 5 year old nephew a dorito because he was in an orange shirt today. His response was that I looked like a plain bagel because of my skin color… So, I’d say for his age that was pretty good.
When I was about to have my first child, one of my buddies made a joke that I look like the type of guy to kiss my kids on the lips.
I said “…and you look like the type of guy to kiss my kids on the lips.”
He recently went no beard, just a mustache, so it landed well.
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